The brats have won again, did you think we wouldn’t? If you’re anything like me, your entire social media (and brain space) has been absolutely FLOODED with Charli XCX. It’s the brat representation I’ve been begging for—well, metaphorically, I never beg; I just get what I want instantly. I’m perpetually having a brat summer, but with so many new brat converts, I figured I’d share what I have planned for a brat summer. And don’t worry, babe, I’m in my 30s. There’s always time to be a brat; it just looks a little different.
With the heaviness of life and the world right now, brat summer might be all we have to dissociate and recharge for a bit. So keep at it, babes, and remember, try as Taylor might, nothing can keep a brat down.
Say what you mean and own it.
Now’s not the time for subtlety, sweetheart. Say what you mean and live in it. Don’t be one of those people who love to talk a good game (or talk shit) but aren’t willing to own up to it or defend their shit. That’s boring behavior. Own your feelings, use your words, and be responsible for their outcomes.
Be a little gossip.
I’m not one for gossip, but maybe that needs to change? If I were to gossip, I would be selectively subtle about it. That’s all I have to say about that.
Dress like a fucking asshole.
Dress in a way that makes people wonder who gave you the fucking authority to dress like that. Be loud and make an impression. Tempting as it may be to dress like all the other brats, remember true brats dress however they please and do it with pleasure and confidence. This brat summer, I plan on dressing a lot more monochromatically. Think all red, including red eyeliner, lips, and almond-red stiletto nails. I might smudge the eyeliner, but that remains undecided. Here are some of my brat summer clothing picks.
Liquids, Liquids, Liquids
I love food, but I love a good beverage even more. More importantly, a true brat beverage is actually just a giant cup filled to the top with ice, with the drink poured over top. Lately, I’ve been going hard with Coke Zero (sorry diet coke babes, although sometimes I do crave that aspartame taste) with lime, iced green teas, and seltzers with mint and fresh strawberry. I know, not very brat of me, but I’m a brat watching her sugar.
Flirt for sport.
Flirting can be a currency, and it might be the only part of the economy unaffected by inflation. So as you might imagine, flirting can be a full-time job, but this summer I’m using my PTO and flirting for fun. I encourage you to do the same. Flirt for free drinks, flirt because you’re bored, flirt because you need your ego fed, flirt because you want to fuck, flirt for a free turkey and Swiss sandwich from your local Italian deli (where you can usually find me working my game). Whatever the reason may be, flirt. Sometimes the flirting might be a little bit like teasing, so maybe try to get a feel for when people are at their limits. Just sayin. Not everyone can handle us, but I suppose sometimes it’s fun to destroy people.
Stay private online.
Listen, I know some of you little perverted freaks love to put your entire kinky playtimes online, which, yeah, cool, love the visibility, but again let’s take the summer off. Keep the mystery alive. In my experience (and you are here reading my website), the biggest freaks are usually the most straight-laced, buttoned-up ones.
Impractical shoes only.
Who needs comfort? Wear the sexiest, hottest, most ridiculously impractical heels. Channel Amy Winehouse and bring out your fuck me pumps. I’ve had quite enough of the Crocs and platform Tevas. Fucking retire them.
Read honeywhippedfeta.com.
Yea, I’m self-promoting, anyways, read some of my articles on bratting, like "12 Ways to Twist Your Brat’s Brain" or my love letter to bratting. You could also read about fragrance or grow that brain with something techy. Maybe one day I’ll stop being cringe, but that day is not today.
Get some trashy lingerie and let it be seen.
Get some hot lingerie. I love a lacy bra and very high-cut sheer panties (here’s my lingerie guide) and show just a bit of it. Think a bra strap under a tank top. I’ve also been really into clothing that has lingerie printed on it or outlines of breasts or implied nipple rings. Something for us brats to keep everyone else curious.
Stay unbothered.
I think some people care entirely too much about what other people are doing or aren’t doing. That’s not my vibe. This brat is truly just trying to stay in her own lane, live her own life, and worry more about herself and less about others.
Both sober and totally fucked up.
I think a lot of people associate brat summer with doing poppers, going on ski trips, and binge drinking. It can be that, but it can also be being totally sober. Being sober brings its own clarity and unhinged zone of brat, if that makes any sense. This summer, I’ll be downing both dirty gin martinis (three blue cheese olives, please) and a ton of mocktails. One of my favorite mocktails to make is three ounces of Wilfred's bittersweet nonalcoholic blood orange and rosemary aperitif, half a squeezed orange, lots of seltzer, and a few cardamom bitters, garnished with a sprig of rosemary or an orange wedge.
Whatever you may be doing this brat summer, remember to have fun, be hot, be a little nice, and be a little mean. Love you, bye!
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