Sex is complicated, and sexuality is even more complicated. Life happens—desires ebb and flow, and sometimes you might feel disconnected from your sexual self for various reasons. Then, there are moments when you discover something new, something you never knew you were into. Everything feels fresh again, which can be both thrilling and like a literal fucking nightmare.
Whatever brought you here, you’re likely looking to reconnect with yourself sexually, and I’m so glad you’ve found your way here, babes. Below are some of my personal tips—most of which can be done solo or with a partner—but this is ultimately about deepening your connection with your own sexuality and desires. I also recognize that for many, sexuality doesn’t exist in a vacuum, so it might be helpful to call in reinforcements when needed. Whatever you choose, I always advocate for some solo connection because your relationship with yourself is just as important as the ones you share with others.
Oh, and for a bit of context, if you happen to be new to me, I’m a Queer, high femme woman who’s been out for longer than I haven’t. While there are experiences I haven’t had, I definitely understand what it’s like to navigate against the unknown, traumatic, overwhelming, and confusing parts of life and sex.
These practices have worked for me—take what resonates and leave the rest. Happy connecting, and enjoy the ride.
Reflect on any sexual stigmas you hold about yourself.
This might sound obvious, but it’s harder work than it seems. The truth is, many of us have internalized judgments about our sexuality—desires we’ve likely shut ourselves off from. At some point, distancing yourself from those desires might have been a form of protection, and only you can determine when it’s safe to unpack them. It might be worth starting with a reflection on your own experiences with sex, considering what you’ve seen in media, heard anecdotally, or even experienced. Recognizing these stigmas is helpful in understanding how they might be limiting your sexual freedom and self-acceptance. Sometimes, we convince ourselves that certain things are off-limits because we believe we’re not deserving. Maybe it’s time to ask yourself why you feel that way.
Be mindful of negative self-talk and internal pressures.
To get candid, there have been many moments when I’ve told myself that I’m not good at something or not experienced enough, and by default, don’t even deserve to experience it. For a long time, this mindset held me back and fueled a ton of negative opinions about myself. I put a lot of pressure on myself based on assumptions I was making about others. I know it’s not easy to just turn off that self-talk—you can’t simply positive-affirmation it away. Wouldn’t that be nice, though? It’s going to take being aware of how those thoughts occupy space in your head. Probably some exposure therapy too. Sometimes, being critical of yourself has its place, but be mindful of that line between being constructive and being debilitating.
Identify and prioritize your needs.
What do you actually want? Like, no bullshit, no fucking fluff—what do you want? What do you need to get what you want? What do you need to feel safe or comfortable? Are you toxic like me and need 500-thread-count sheets and no overhead lights to get fucked? What makes you feel good in a dynamic? Ask yourself the hard questions—the ones you usually avoid—because those are the ones that hold the real answers. Whatever that thing is, figure it out and communicate it. Set a standard for yourself and live by it.
Reflect on the dynamics and themes in both your life and sexual experiences.
I think most of us subconsciously repeat patterns, especially if we haven’t had the opportunity to analyze our behavior. With that in mind, are there certain types of relationships or behaviors that you find yourself drawn to repeatedly? Do your sexual desires mirror any broader aspects of your life, such as how you navigate power, vulnerability, or intimacy? By becoming aware of these patterns, you can either lean into them or consciously shift them in a direction that better aligns with who you are now and who you aspire to be. Consider the dynamics you want, both for pleasure and healing, and if you’re truly blessed, the two will go hand in hand.
Embrace and make peace with change.
With love, nothing stays the fucking same, babe—except Tom Cruise. You can always count on Tom Cruise for some batshit Scientology stuff. But in all seriousness, everything changes: our bodies, our desires, our dislikes, and even our time commitments. It’s fun to reflect on the past, but it’s never productive to compare the present to romanticized versions of it. Your relationship with your own sexuality and sexual energy—or whatever you want to fucking call it—will change over time, and that’s a good thing. No one wants to be Tom Cruise.
Discover new ways of moving to connect with your body.
The obvious step is to explore your body sexually, sure, but think beyond that. What movements do you enjoy—running, swimming, stretching? The body stores a lot, so I’ve found that connecting with my body through traditional forms of movement helps me actually understand how it works. I want to be present with my body, and that means truly knowing it, which, as you can imagine, is helpful when another party is involved. As someone who has experienced sexual violence, I often dissociated (still do on occasion) from my body as a method of survival and eventual healing. So getting to be in my body is a real pleasure.
Woo you.
This is the most fun one on the list, in my opinion, and perhaps the easiest to envision. Like, babe, take yourself on a fucking date—get cozy with yourself, love yourself, god damn it. Wooing yourself allows you to understand what you want while also setting a baseline for how others should treat you. So, what did wooing look like for me? The PG version: lots of solo dinners at beautiful restaurants, wearing my favorite heels and warm amber fragrances, followed by a night with just my thoughts.
Consider bringing in someone for support—maybe even a professional.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed or like you don’t have anyone to talk to about your desires or sexuality, it might be worth connecting with someone who specializes in that. It could be a therapist versed in trauma therapy or perhaps someone from less mainstream methods, like a sex worker or an energy healer who understands how the body stores trauma. Whatever or whoever you choose to bring into your journey, do your research and be honest with your expectations.
Make yourself hot—according to what you think is hot.
Another fun one. Not that working through trauma in talk therapy isn’t exhilarating and fun. All I’m saying is, make yourself so undeniably desirable to yourself. And to be honest, this might feel a little uncomfortable at first, especially if you’ve shut yourself off from that part of you for a while—or even forever. But the best things often come from discomfort. Maybe for you, this means experimenting with your appearance. Maybe it means finally looking the way you’ve always wanted to and executing it at the highest level.
And to answer the age-old question you didn’t ask, but since you’re reading my website: Yes, I would fuck myself, but I’d never date myself.
Harness your energy.
You control your energy, babe. Yes, there’s a lot going on in the world, but you get to decide how to channel your energy—your thoughts, actions, and the vibe you bring into your life—and shape the type of person you want to be. Stop wishing you were something or someone else or had a certain dynamic—just go for it. I spent so much time wanting to embody this sort of dark feminine vibe, and one day I decided that instead of just wanting it, I’d be it. I took inspiration from the greats like [redacted] and [redacted], studying what I admired about them, especially in a sexual sense. And just like that, I told myself I could embody that energy and refused to question or doubt myself. And unfortunately for everyone else, that’s the uncomfortably hot energy I bring into everything.
Be present in your pleasure.
Babe, this shit is scary and overwhelming, but I promise, it’s fun. Give yourself the luxury of being present in the moment. Do it for yourself and only yourself. And, just to add my own bit, don’t do it for others to consume, and that includes in the form of social media. Like yeah, there’s a place and time where that can be powerful, but don’t become so disconnected from the action. Just speaking from my own experience—being truly present in something you’re doing is the ultimate luxury.
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